November 2009

Let out your Self

When you were born, you were only a Soul, a Spirit, a Self.  Soon, you began to develop a false self, a self that was pleasing to caretakers, to all those you deemed necessary to survive.  Thus began the journey of creating that self that is ego, that self that is most likely alienated from the Soul, has no idea about what the Soul may be saying to you at any given moment.  You started acting like you needed to in order to assure you were taken care of, paid attention to, liked.  It expanded, that false self, when you started school.  You then had a larger audience to please.  Yikes, you were bombarded with messages of what was acceptable and what wasn’t.  You, as a Soul, as a Self, got completely lost in all of this deluge of what and who you needed to be.  You had no conscious awareness of it all, you just did what you did in order to have the most likely outcome of “like-ability!” What a job you’ve taken on.  Very few don’t.  I do know some, but very few escape this part of their journey to adulthood.

Now, what is it going to take for you to get back to that original Self, the one that is authentically You?  It is definitely going to take your doing a bit of research on what you are currently doing that is  ”not you.”  Do you even have an inkling of what that is?  Most don’t.  Start by becoming accurately aware of those words coming out of your mouth that smack of “do you like me now?” kind of tone.  Be very conscious of all your actions, all your interactions and see which ones are coming from your inner Core and which ones are coming from practicing what is necessary for those around you to give you attention, to find you acceptable.  

Do you see that others have been defining you for years?  Who are they?  Who are the ones you’ve given over your power to to decide your fate, your personality, your responses to life, to circumstances, to everything.  It won’t take long for you to see that very little of what you say, if anything, is coming from your Soul.  Most, if not all of you, is driven by this need (you think) to be liked, to be accepted, to be popular.  But at what cost, may I ask?  It is so draining to have to be “on guard” all the time, to assess what you say so that you can be sure it will have the correct reactions by those you think you have to please.

When are you planning to live what your Soul came here to experience, tomorrow, next year, in the next decade?  How about now?  What is preventing you from changing now?  Are you too scared?  What is the worst that can happen?  You won’t have any friends, anyone who finds you appealing?  Please, they don’t even know you and you don’t know you, so how can you be sure that your authentic Self won’t be 10 times more appealing than that false self you developed so long ago.  You are still being the self that you created when you were 2 or 3 years old.  How much judgment do they have to decide what is best to be like, what is best to say or do in any one moment?

Take a huge leap of faith and begin to listen to that very quiet voice deep within you that is ready to blossom into a fabulous person that you came into this world to be.  You are an unrepeatable, irreplaceable Being that has unique, one-of-a-kind offering to give the world.  I have told you that before.  It is definitely true.  You must get acquainted with the Soul, though, in order to know what you are to be saying and doing in each moment of  the day.  Ask:  What am I to do now?  Who am I to speak to?  And, about what?  When you are still long enough and have no preconceived notions about what your Soul may be saying, It can speak to you and you will often be astounded at what It may request and require that you do, so that you are living out loud what you came into the world to offer.

I am so excited by the possibility that you may just take me up on this invitation to transform your life.  You can write me anytime and tell me what your Soul is both leading you out of and into as the days emerge.  Let your Soul lead the way, stop trying to outguess it or tell it what you think you need.  Allow the Soul of you to be in charge.  You may be absolutely incredibly blown away by what you find your Self doing, once you start listening carefully to only your Soul.

That Soul of yours has Its own ideas, Its own agenda and Its own voice.  It is unlike anything you have ever heard before and often has ideas you would never have dreamed of considering.  That’s the joy of it all, though.  You are beginning to truly live at that point, not just exist and be at other people’s mercy.

Are you ready?  Begin.

Get Rid of that Critical Voice Inside

I have never seen anyone who is free from a critical voice inside their mind.  I have some who are consumed by it, others have it unless they are distracted by their work or some particular passionate conversations that they engage in.  Today, I invite you to begin observing, witnessing every thought that you have, every phrase that comes into your mind.  If it is negative or critical, just notice it.  For the first week, it is important to get used to observing all your thoughts.  Then, it would be wise to begin recording (in a notebook or journal) the statements you say to yourself.  What is the first thing you think about every day?  (You usually repeat the same thoughts day after day, that is the problem, you are reinforcing the thought each time you think it).  I have some people I see in my office that tell me, once they start observing their thoughts, that they say “I hate you” as the first phrase they think.  I encourage them to substitute immediately another thought once they have noticed what they are thinking – such as, “I am a Child of the Universe, I have a great purpose to achieve, I am important….”  Whatever you choose, you must substitute something positive about you the instant you say that negative first sentence.  If not, you will continue along the downward spiral into a horrible place that sets the tone for the day.  Even if you just say one phrase, most likely that isn’t enough to stop the powerful phrase that has taken over your mind for many years.  

You are not what you say to yourself, you are a unique, one-of-a-kind precious gift to all the world and are here to do something that only YOU can do.  Wherever the negative words came from, they were NOT true, you must believe me, even though you have spoken (to yourself) these words many years to yourself.  Your Soul has such a different view of you, tune into your deeper Self, that Soul and ask It who you are.  You will hear such wonderful phrases, so many descriptive words that are what you really are.  You are not a piece of junk, a mistake, an unworthy person who happens to inhabit this space at this time.  You are here to do incredible things that only you can do.

However, you must first know who you are, who you truly are, not who “they” said you were – whether those people were your classmates, your caretakers, relatives, teachers, neighbors.  You are NOT what others define you as – you are just NOT.  You may have taken on those labels over time, you may have believed them since you didn’t know to counter them with words you knew to say.  That still doesn’t make them true.  You just took them on like a set of clothes that you borrowed or bought at a second hand store.  

You are here because you have a calling, something that only you are here to do.  So what if you don’t know what that is – yet.  It is so because that is how the world was set up.  You can’t be repeated, if you don’t do what you are here to do, no one else is going to do it, it will just go undone.  That doesn’t make sense, now, does it? 

Come to your senses and ignore your mind for a month, especially in the mornings when you arise.  You are most vulnerable to old tapes when you first wake up.  You aren’t functioning with that enlightened mind that exists deep inside of you.  Wake up to some new music, wake up to words you have heard from me or another wise Soul, but don’t believe that voice inside that criticizes you for outward appearances, for mistakes you made 5 years ago, for what you think is unforgivable that you did when you were in school.  

You are harder on yourself than anyone could ever be, that is just the truth, but you can change that the second you become aware that – just maybe what you are telling yourself about yourself is an old tape that needs to be updated.  You are playing tapes in your head that people who are no longer relevant in your life (even if they were parents) told you at age 6 or 9 or 13 years old.  Do you want to go around with a mind that is still stuck at those ages?  I trust you don’t.  

The first step out of this mudhole is to stop your old tape, observe it, ask if your Soul believes it, and replace that old tape with one that is greatly updated.  What is something you have done in your life that you can be proud of?  Did you complete high school?  Did you go to college or did you get a job, work while you were still in school, find a career you loved by “accident” (there are no accidents)?  What has someone said over the years that thrilled you at that moment, even though your critical voice took it away from you before the hour passed?  

I know absolutely wonderful, fantastic people who are doing incredible work in this world who still have a voice inside that negates 99% if their accomplishments before they can even swallow them.  I’m not saying that accomplishments are the only way to feel great about yourself, either.  You are a human/spiritual being who is absolutely magnificent, no matter what you think you did in the past that erases that truth, it doesn’t.  You have LET what you did or didn’t do (like go to college, not be the perfect parent or partner or worker in a job that you hated) color how you see yourself.  

Have you ever heard of Grace?  Have you ever heard of forgiveness?  You seem to think that you deserve to carry around a large stick and beat yourself as what you deserve since you weren’t the perfect….  You not only deny what forgiveness is but you lay an unneeded burden on yourself that complicates, if not destroys, what you could be doing now.

Update your way of being in this world today.  Stop beating yourself up for something that you did even a week ago.  Forgive yourself, know that others make mistakes and can go right on forging their paths to greatness while you sit in your muck and berate yourself.  What is the purpose of that?  Does it forward you or your calling?  Does it help to assuage your guilt?  NO, it only keeps all the negativity going inside of you.  You are preventing transformation this moment by how you are treating yourself.  Notice what is going on in that mind of yours every day and, if it isn’t positive and forwarding you, give it up.  You needn’t carry old garbage around, thinking you deserve that kind of life or punishment for whatever you did or said or didn’t do. 

What happened in the past is over.  You either asked for forgiveness from those you may have hurt or you need to now and then you must let it go.  Freedom is around that next bend.  Don’t you want to travel lightly upon the earth as you go about doing what you came here to do?  Then, give up all that old stuff you think you must hold onto and set your Soul free to do Its thing.

Your Soul needs to start leading the way in your life.  When you awaken, turn to your Soul and ask It what to say about you – it has some fantastic things to offer you if you only allow It Its voice.  You are not a mistake and you could never do enough “wrongs” to deserve to be punished by your mind.  If you did something really horrible, go to the courts and turn yourself in, otherwise, let yourself alone and turn your life over to your Soul, It will forever bring you Love, Peace, Joy and a new life.  What a gift to get, just by letting go of old guilts, old voices, old critics, old, old stuff that is NOT who you are.

You are not your mistakes, You are rather what your Soul defines you as – an unrepeatable, irreplaceable, indescribable lovely Being who is here to enjoy life and bring fresh energy to all who touch your life and whose lives you touch.

Get into the NOW and stay there.  It is where all is created and manifested.  Shut off those old voices once and for all, the rewards will be obvious and you will be a brand new person.  Be transformed by the renewing of your mind – today.

Living From the Inside Out

As you go through each day, begin to notice whether you are reacting to something you have just seen or heard or are staying with the strong intention you set for yourself each morning.  It makes all the difference in the world whether you, first of all, set an intention, and second of all, follow through with it no matter what.  You see, if you are a reactor, then anyone who comes into your space could trigger an emotion that you end up having the rest of the day.  I’m sure that has happened to you, you started out thinking that it was going to be a glorious day, then someone (either a person you know or a stranger at a store, the post office, the cleaners, etc) said something that upset you or ignored what you were asking of them or gave you feedback you didn’t ask for….  Living from the inside means that you are committed to staying with your choice, not their response, about how the day was going to go for you.  You always have a decision to make, whenever you are around another being.  You can listen to them but stay centered on what you set as your intention or you can become susceptible to what they say and react to what you don’t like or don’t expect or….. It is quite empowering to become a responder to life and not a reactor.  You get to have the day, your mood, your emotional well-being stay in your own hands, so to speak, not in anyone else’s way of talking to you or their actions toward you.

The other day I was listening to a patient tell me about a situation where they were really confronted with a dilemma.  They cared about this person but had decided that this person was not going to be in their life anymore.  When the person came around, the patient had a huge challenge, should they stay with their decision or be swayed by their feeling “sorry” for the situation this person was in.  The real issue was – this person had been in the same situation for many months and the patient had been “talked into” (in their view) going with what the other person asked instead of their own stand on the event at the moment.  So, the patient was confronted with a conflict – would they fold under the pressure of the other (living from the outside in) or from their own commitment to themselves (living from the inside out).  The patient ended up, that night, giving in to the other person.  The important outcome, though, was that the patient saw that their folding under the pleas of the person did not end up having the patient feel good at all about themselves.  This point is critical to take note of – you, as you transform – will be confronted with many situations where it is hard to decide for yourself what to do – unless you stay firm in your internal knowing that what you have chosen as your stance is where you will live – no matter what.  No matter what means no matter the circumstances, the story that someone is telling you, no matter how many times in the past you have given in to this person, no matter anything.  You respect yourself so much more when you decide that you are only going to live from the inside out, not ever from the outside appearance of something that of course continuously changes.  

This stance may sound selfish to you, self-indulgent even, but it really isn’t.  It is the only way to be in charge of your own life and the path you have chosen to take.  You have been whipped around by the many different situations in your life and especially by those who know what and where your soft spots are.  Even without consciously setting out to do so, the people that have taken advantage of your kindness, your generosity in the past are going to challenge your stance, now that you have taken one.  The way to honor you is to remember all the time what your intention is, your commitment is and your desire to become one who can withstand the pressures that others place on you.

What do you want to accomplish in this life of yours?  Where do you want to go?  Do you want to be in charge of you or allow others to be in charge?  You get to decide and your decision will definitely affect how you end up feeling about you at the end of the day.  Notice your energy when you get home from your job or work out or set of errands.  Are you feeling the way you want to feel?  Did you follow what you set as your intention before you left?  If you did, you most likely will be feeling even more alive, filled with vitality, excited about your life than when you left home.

All of life consists of choices, of course you know that.  The more aware you are of those choices, the more power you have over your day.  I urge you to experiment with living only from the inside out for at least a week, taking notes about what you observed about yourself all along the way.  Then analyze the results and see on which days you felt the most freedom and which days you felt rather down, defeated, had low energy.  The correlation to what you chose will be closely correlated with how you feel at the end of each day.

Become the Center of your own life, that has nothing to do with being selfish, but rather everything to do with who you put in charge of your life.  Let it be You, You, that Spiritual/Human Spectacular Being that you create every moment.  Possibilities unimagined until now will show up as you begin to live a life that is your own, all day and all evening.

A Look at Eating Disorders

I used to treat only eating disorders because I was the chief psychologist of an inpatient program as part of the teaching hospital of the medical school at the University of CA Irvine.  We were sent the toughest cases because of our reputation.  (Later I developed, chose the staff for and then directed an inpatient and outpatient eating disorder center at a prestigious psychiatric hospital in another state).  As a result of these experiences, I have many, many stories of extreme cases.  I remember one time a beautiful flight attendant came into the program (she had great pressure from the airline to stay at a particular weight and was taken off of a flight if she was weighed by them and found to be one pound over the limit).  She was a challenge because of her desperate internal struggle between “minding” the authorities and deciding to be a person with her own choices.  One day, she shared with me in a session at the hospital, she came home after a trip, drove to her home in one of the canyons where no stores stayed open very late and found that she had absolutely nothing in her cabinets or refrigerator to eat.  She didn’t keep extra food because she would devour it, no matter how full she felt.  It was late.  No possibilities were open to her to get anything.  She opened the one can she had of dog food and began to eat it.  Suddenly she caught a glimpse of herself in her mind, got very scared and called for help.  There are lots of experiences like that I could share with you.  No one but an eating disorder person could relate fully to this woman.  She wasn’t crazy, she wasn’t mentally ill, she had an addiction.  All of those who have any kind of an addiction, no matter what it is, can also understand her desperation at that moment in time.  It is powerful, it has taken over one’s life when it has gotten to this point.  What can a person do?  Not just because I am a psychologist but because I know this to be absolutely the truth – get professional help.  Go to someone who has experience for several reasons – they have the tools, they have the knowledge and they have a deeper understanding of the depth of your compelling desire to eat until you are overly full and then either purge or use laxatives or…  

Actually, there are two kinds of bulimics, which we are speaking about now, another day I will talk at length about anorexia nervosa but today, it is the bulimic I am describing.  The first kind is drawn to how it feels to get full – they erroneously think that getting full means they are finally feeling fulfilled.  Not a chance is that true, but it feels like it is true, until the next time they feel empty – which is most likely very soon, a day or less.  Then they must do it again, to get that false feeling of fullness.  I once had a bulimic say to me words that I’ll never forget:  ”I will binge to the point of unconsciousness until my Soul is no longer starving.”  Our work together could certainly begin in a deeper way once she had “gotten” it that binging was about a Soul-hunger, not a stomach hunger.  Her Soul was crying out to be listened to, to be honored, to be fed.  Soul-food is very different from regular food, as of course everyone knows. Or do they?  

The other kind of bulimic gets addicted to purging.  That person feels that if they vomit out all the food they had just binged on they would no longer feel the awful feelings they were feeling at that time.  They felt that they would be free of them if they just got rid of them by purging.  Again, not a chance is that true, but ut feels true to them at the moment – every moment- that they go to the food.  ”Maybe this time it will work and I won’t ever have those feelings come up again, or those images, or…”

What is the similarity between these  2 types?  They both have a belief that enough food or enough purging will “cure” them.  That they will never have to deal with emptiness or a myriad of horrid feelings again.  When either of those ways don’t work after awhile, they just do them again, hoping that this time they will have success.

Of course I have only touched on all the complexities of bulimia, but I wanted to bring these particular points up today to have you examine if you or anyone you know is battling with something that does literally take over one’s life.  If so, perhaps awareness will bring a bit of clarity as to what needs to happen next, not repeating the same pattern but interrupting it by getting help.  It doesn’t go away on its own.  It doesn’t solve any issues you may have, it only increased them.

One other thing, it isn’t a good idea for anyone in a family who suspects (or knows) that another member is having this challenge to get in between the bulimia and the behavior you know is going on.  You aren’t the one who can solve this kind of huge issue.  Make a phone call instead.  I have known partners who try to assist with this issue and the relationship suffers because of it.  

No matter how long someone has been having this major challenge, it is very possible for them to recover.  Never think that a person is doomed because they have an addiction of any kind (and I have dealt with really tough ones besides this one).  It is totally possible, with a willingness to reach out, not  for food, but for professional help.