When Hope Can Kill

When Hope Can Kill – by Dr. Lucy Papillon

How Hope Keeps you with the Wrong Person – Reclaim Your Soul for the Right Person

Excerpt from Chapter 1 – You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You

My Story

The seed that is to grow
Must lose itself as seed
And they that creep
May graduate through
Chrysalis to wings
Wilt thou, then,
O mortal,
Cling to husks
Which falsely seem to you
The Self?

– Anonymous

“This is a freeway, Jonathan. Don’t stop right here… please!”

I was getting more nauseated by the minute, both from fear and from the frantic stopping and starting.

“Get serious. I’ll stop anywhere I want. Stop that controlling stuff, right now! I mean it, you idiot. Don’t you know better than to try to do that by now?”

He turned sharply into the next lane, barely missing a moving van. I noticed I was hanging onto the purse in my lap, as if that could assuage the terror I was feeling.

“Quit hurting me, you’re slamming me against the head rest with your stops and starts. Just go off the next exit and let me drive. You’ve had too much to drink.”

I’d said it, the one thing I knew would set him into a full-on rage. It had slipped out, I was petrified now.

“Oh, so now you’re going to try to tell me I’m drunk. You are just an unbelievable bitch. I should never have taken you on this trip. I won’t make that mistake again. And besides, you are going to regret you ever opened your mouth. I’ll make sure of that.”

I was beyond sick to my stomach now. I was barely sitting up. As soon as he started yelling, it confirmed I’d crossed the line. He just kept piercing me with his knife-like words. I had no defense against what he was saying. He had gone straight into my soul. He might as well have literally cut me deeply. I was certainly bleeding internally with a sense of loss, not just of him, but of my self. I’d given me over long ago and now, the more I was with him, the more it became clear that what I thought was the solution to my having given me up only deepened my loss of me.

You’re going to hit that tree, Jonathan. Watch out! What are you doing?”

I ducked, thinking I could save my soul by saving the part of my body getting ready to be hit directly by a tree.

“Listen, you sorry substitute for a real woman, get out of the car, just get out! I can’t stand to look at you one more second.”

Oh my, I thought, how can I tolerate this pain? It is only getting worse and now he is throwing me out. I noticed I’d stopped breathing. It seemed safer that way. Just lose consciousness, and then maybe the pain will stop for awhile. It was indescribable, the mass mixture of feelings I was having, mostly terror and enormous pain, invading every cell of my body. I had nothing left of me, just an overwhelming sense of despair. What I had always been able to use was escaping me now – the life-sustaining force of hope. It had pulled me through other less traumatic moments, couldn’t it assist me now? I couldn’t find it. I was devastated to realize that my arduous but infallible task of finding hope in every situation was failing me now. I couldn’t secure a spot in his heart, no matter what I said. He was gone.

“It’s dark, Jonathan. I have nowhere to go.”

I was raw from hurting so deeply and for so long, not just tonight, but many nights during the past years. It was hopeless, what a concept, me without hope. That had never happened.

“That’s not my problem. Just leave. You make me sick. Get the hell out of this car. Now.”

This romantic partner was supposed to fill the gaping hole that I had had in my soul for many years. He was to save me from having to face such a vacuous hole. I had counted on it, I had hoped for it, in fact, hope was the most prevalent feeling I had called on over these many years, it was etched into my heart as the one thing I could count on to pull me through anything. It was failing me now. How come?

My story is one of rediscovery. I knew that what I had lost had to be found, but I didn’t know where to begin my search. I had given up my precious essence, my soul, so long ago, hoping that I would get love, be loved, feel I was lovable. Now, where was I to begin to learn how to get acquainted with that soul, embrace it and treasure it?

If you find yourself in this same dilemma, I ask that you stay with me through the whole process, every small step of the way, for what I know for certain is that you too will discover what I had to open to: that the barren place within me could eventually be a place filled with abundance. It took enormous faith. You must find that faith within you, too, faith that it is possible to regain your own soul and make it the foundational place from which everything else emerges.

TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF WHEN HOPE CAN KILL, PLEASE CONTACT DR. PAPILLON AT (800) 466-5564 or by email at lucy@drpapillon.com.

Testimonials – What People Are Saying

” This book, simply put, is an amazing read – not only is it a page-turner of a story but a powerful manual for healing. If you have ever loved and then had your heart shattered when you least expected it, this is your book no matter where you are. When Hope Can Kill is mandatory reading. You cannot read this book and come away unchanged. ”

- Chantal Westerman
GOOD MORNING AMERICA

” This is an important and desperately needed book aimed not just at the woman in an abusive relationship but at anyone who has ever used hope as a self-deception. ”

- Susan Campbell, Ph.D.
author of The Couple’s Journey

” Lucy Papillon’s passion and clarity are a gift that could quite literally save your life. Her book reaches to the soul of every woman and man staying in an abusive relationship, hoping it will change. This crucially important book shows people how they can free themselves from self-destructive patterns. ”

- Susan Page
author of Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive

To order your copy please call 800 466-5564 or send an email to Dr. Papillon.